It Always Ends in Fire
by Tuesday Too
Summary: Dean reflects on the score between him and fire. It's not pretty. Season 1-2.


**Author's Note:** _Hey ya'll! Happy October 30th! I'm feeling sentimental, but I'll try not to ramble. Last October 30th I watched my first episode of Supernatural wanting to get into the Halloween spirit. Can't say I expected to end up 12 seasons deep in the show, but whew, good times. Also, October 30th is coincidentally the day everything starts in the Pilot, as Sam and Jess chill at that halloween party. Meaning, I was watching the events of the pilot 10 years after they fictionally occurred and I didn't even plan that. So that's fun._

 _Anyway, I've been playing with this fic for a while and this seemed like a good day to share. Hope you enjoy!_

 _Spoilers up through Season 2 finale._

* * *

 **It Always Ends In Fire**

He's four and he's probably the luckiest kid in the world. Sure, it makes his stomach squirm when his parents yell, and he's discovering being a big brother isn't _all_ perks, but Dean loves his family with everything he's got. He likes holding his little brother and watching the way the grin breaks out across his tiny face, mirroring Dean's own. Sammy may be little now, but Dean's looking forward to all the things he's gonna teach his little bro. His mom has told him all about the big brother duties, and he plans to take them seriously. Sometimes though, he has to try really hard not to be jealous of the way Sammy sucks up their parents attention.

But his mom still makes him sandwiches and cuts off the crusts. She still reads with him everyday, and there's one book Dean's heard so much he can read it to Sammy. His mom tells him how good he's doing and how great he's going to do in kindergarten next year. When his parents tuck him in at night, his mom checks under the bed and assures him there's no monsters and his dad leaves the hall light on in case it gets too dark.

And then he's waking up to a scream. His eyes fly open and his heart is thudding so loudly in his chest, but he's not sure if it was real or not. He's had nightmares before, and maybe that's all this is, because why would his mom be screaming? He hates the way the worry worms around in his stomach, making him want to run and curl up between his parents on the bed until he falls asleep, safe and warm between them.

He puts one foot down hesitantly on the cold floor and then another. He is debating whether or not to stand. He doesn't want to disturb his parents - he's not supposed to be out of bed - but he really just wants them to hug him and tell him it's okay.

Yelling. His dad is yelling and the panic is back. He sprints out his door and freezes in the hall. The air is crackling and smoke creeps out the doorway of Sammy's room. Before he can decide what to do, his dad is running toward him, thrusting Sam into his arms, telling him to take Sammy _now, Dean, go!_ and it's wrong because Dean's not supposed to carry Sam, not standing up, but he's not going to let his dad down. He can protect Sam. He's gonna be a good big brother. He runs toward the stairs as his dad heads back into the nursery, orange flames licking at the doorframe.

Once he gets outside, he stops, looking up at Sam's room. It's glowing orange. _It's okay, Sammy,_ he whispers. His dad scoops him up and holds him and Sammy until the fire trucks and the ambulances come. His mom never comes out. Then it's blankets and questions for his dad while Dean just stares, tucked next to his dad and Sam, while his world burns to the ground.

It's not until later he realizes his childhood ends in that fire too.

* * *

He's 26 and Sam going to college has been a major crapfest. Dean doesn't want a lot out of life. His baby, some pie, a cute girl every now and then. But really, Dean would be content with his family.

He's already lost his mom. And geez, living out college dreams is way better than burning on the ceiling, but the end result means Dean loses Sammy too.

Somewhere along the way, he's pretty sure he lost Dad. Maybe it was when Sam chooses Stanford over the family business, throwing everything back in Dad's face. Maybe it was when his dad would rather hit a bar and arrive back at 4am drunk rather than tell his boys that he's in one piece and the monster is ganked. Or maybe it was all the way back when Mom died and life boiled down to surviving the fallout.

All Dean knows is hunting on your own sucks — reading news articles and tomes until your eyes are grainy, checking out an abandoned victorian hoping a ghost doesn't decide to sneak up behind you, trying to patch up your own back when the spirit throws you into a decorative iron candle stick. (Scrolling down to Sammy's contact with sticky fingers but not calling.)

Dean just doesn't know what to do. He just wanted Sam to stay with him, to _not leave._ Hasn't he friggin lost enough?

But he can't blame Sam, not really. Maybe in another life, he would've done the nerdy college thing. Or at least the party with hot chicks college thing. And this way, at least someone in their family gets some happiness. That's really what he wanted for Sam. (Why else would Dean have stuffed his life's savings of $574 dollars into Sam's duffel before he left?) So Dean has tried to be a good big brother, let Sammy go, let him be happy.

He hates himself for not calling, but there's just too much hurt and if he calls, it all might come out in anger and if he's gonna lose Sam, he doesn't want it to end in fighting. The fight dad and Sam had was bad enough. (" _If you walk out there door, don't you ever come back!"_ )

It's just that Dean's so damn selfish.

He knows he should just leave Sam be. He knows he can't (shouldn't) drag him back in. So he knew he wasn't going to see Sam again. But then their dad disappears. Dean tells himself he _needs_ Sam, their dad _needs_ both his sons looking for him. But then they get back to Stanford and Sam's yelling, crying, losing everything that was supposed to make him happy and Dean's dragging his little brother out of a fire again.

Holding on to Sam as he chokes on ashes, soot streaked across his face, Dean can't help but wonder if maybe reuniting with Sam wasn't about helping dad at all. And now it's cost Sam his girl and dreams.

He wanted Sam back. Just not like this. _Look out for Sammy_ is creed number one and Dean never mean't to break that.

And he doesn't know how to make up for it. Dean likes to think of himself as a pretty awesome big brother, but there are some things even big brother's can't fix.

So when Sam's dreams and hopes end in fire, maybe a little part of Dean does too.

* * *

He's 27 and his father is about to burn for him.

He knows the parents — in the natural, normal, order of things — are supposed to go first. And yeah, sure, maybe he'd never expected it'd go otherwise with them. But he'd never really imagined their dad dying. He used to worry. He'd spent countless nights sleepless, worrying and telling Sammy everything was fine, their dad would be back in the morning, and hoping it wasn't all a lie. But part of looking out for Sammy meant reassuring him that Dad was way too strong to get knocked down by a monster.

Dean's a good liar, but he's always had a hard time lying to Sam. So he whispers to himself over and over in the dark that their dad is too strong, too smart, too good to die. It's a mantra, and eventually it's not a question of believing it.

Which means when dad dies, the laws of the universe are upended. _Dad's a great hunter, he's gonna be just fine_ becomes _dad's dead_ and with his last words, dad changes _watch out for Sammy_ to _if you can't save Sam, you're gonna have to kill him_.

Someone pulled the floor out on Dean and he doesn't know how to walk. He didn't expect it to end like this. He always figured if something was powerful enough to kill his dad, it was sure as hell powerful enough to kill Dean too.

Which, he thinks, ironically is sorta what happened. Dean wasn't strong enough. Dean should've died. But his dad — strong, stubborn, too big to kill dad — made a deal and took his place and now his dad is dead.

Now Dean owes life a debt. He's not supposed to be alive. He's supposed to be the burning corpse on the fire. And he doesn't know how he's supposed to ever repay that. Even if he ends up on the pyre like he was supposed to, his dad's not coming back. So he doesn't really have a right to live, but he's got a debt to pay so he's gotta make his life worth something.

When it comes time to light the body, Dean grabs the lighter, because it's only fitting that he's the one to torch the body.

So his dad ends in fire started by Dean's hands and he knows nothing can ever wipe that clean.

* * *

He's 28 and he's not letting his world end in fire.

Sam's lying on the bed, lifeless, pale, and bloody. Bobby says it's time to bury him — translation: time to burn the body and spread the ashes. But Dean knows how fires end. He's not ready to lose Sam, not yet (not ever).

So he rasps out a no and sets his jaw and stays by his brother's side while Bobby moves on to follow up on Ash's lead on the demons. He whispers broken promises and apologies to his brother's body until he puts his foot down. Dean's a screw-up who let the world walk over him a few times over but it's not friggin taking this.

He follows up a lead of his own, looking up the nearest crossroad, and pulling out so fast baby's tires squeal. He knows it's a dumb idea, knows he gonna end up just like his dad with Bobby chasing him off with angry words and a shotgun, knows Sam will kick his ass, if (when) he finds out. But he's lost too much to fire. It's currently at fire: 3 and Dean: 0 and Dean isn't sure how much more he can lose. Definitely not this. Not Sam.

He realizes the victory is only temporary. This is still going to end with him facing hell fire, but if that's what it takes to get his brother back, Dean'll take it. (Not like he's supposed to be alive anyway.)

The kiss with the demon tastes like cold ash and sticks with him all the way back to Sam while he breaks a dozen speed limits. He tries not to burst in too desperately but Sam is there, standing, looking a little confused. Dean can live with that. He knows how to handle confused little brothers. (Just not dead ones.) He breaks out the fried chicken and cold pizza, and he fills Sam in with almost the truth.

Sam's ready to go, ready to chase down Yellow Eyes and Jake until there's nothing left but ashes, but Dean's wary. Of course he wants Yellow Eyes dead — that demon's damn near cost him everything — but he's only got a year (only 365 days, count em' up) until his road ends in hellfire and he intends to spend it with his brother breathing. But Sam insists and of course Dean's not gonna leave Sam out on his own.

Hell, maybe they can win this one.

So Sam's death doesn't end in fire because Dean's not gonna let his brother go.


End file.
